think yourself happy
#ratan-tata#
#dialjio#
#happy#
#happiness#Saakshi#tv5#
#tv9#abn#
We all have an inner voice, and when that inner voice is critical, it tends to make us unhappy and demoralized. Perhaps it says, ‘You idiot, you’re always doing stupid things like that. ‘You know the kind of thing. In this chapter you’ll learn to talk back to that voice just as if it were another person. Ask it, ‘Why are you saying things like that when they aren’t justified?’ Question it: ‘What are you hoping to achieve by being so critical?’ Debate with it: ‘Wouldn’t it be more helpful to congratulate me when I do well?’ I’m going to show you how to avoid the major negative thought patterns using the technique of cognitive therapy (CT). I’ll prove that you don’t need to be rich to be happy. I’ll even prove to you that you can change something you thought was impossible – an unhappy past.
You are what you think. Think exclusively happy thoughts and you’ll become a profoundly happy person. On the other hand, think unhappy thoughts and the reverse will be the case.
In Chapter 2 I described some of those negative ways of looking at the world. In this chapter I’m going to tell you how to overcome them. Remember, it’s not just a question of feeling better about a particular situation. By changing the way you think you’re actually going to rebuild your brain as a ‘happy brain’.
Theirs is better
Let me ask you this. Are you happier when you listen to music on an MP3 player than when you listen to the same music on a CD player? And did the music on the CD Player make you happier than listening to it on a tape cassette? And did the cassette make you happier than listening at 331/3 rpm? Of course not; it’s the music that counts.
In the same way, if you drive to meet friends for coffee, will you enjoy their company more because your transport is a Ferrari as opposed to an old banger? Of course not; it’s the company that counts.
so often we lose sight of the function of the products we buy. Instead we become obsessed with impressing other prople. Quite often the comparisons are false anyway.
I want more.…. and more
If you’re the kind of person who always has to have more and more than, by definition, you’ll never be happy. Even for Bill Gates there has to be a limit.
Does money buy happiness? Well, there’s no doubt that an inability to pay the bills causes unhappiness. And there’s no doubt, either, that having insufficient disposable income for a few of life’s little pleasures causes unhappiness.
So money can certainly ‘cure’ some of the causes of unhappiness. But that’s not the same thing at all as saying that money creates happiness. In fact, there’s very little evidence for a strong positive effect of wealth on happiness. A person who earns half a million a year, isn’t ten times happier than a person earning 50,000, nor even twice as happy-maybe, at a pinch, 10 percent more happy, maybe not at all.
A survey in Britain found that 60 percent of those in the top social classes ABC1 felt ‘very pleased with things yesterday, all or most of the time’ compared with 55 percent for DEs. That’s a small difference, easily explained by the fact that DEs tend to suffer the negative effects of financial hardship. Infact, in that particular survey, C2s were the happiest at 62 percent.
Several studies have shown the when people win large sums of money they don’t become happier in the medium to longer term. Nor are people generally happier in wealthier countries compared with poorer countries. Nor does increase in national wealth result in more happiness. Americans seem to be no happier now than they were in 1946/7, and considerably less happy than they were in the late 1950s. So, while poverty causes misery, we can dispense with wealth as a significant cause of happi- ness.
If it’s not black, it must be white
This is a style of thinking that keeps life simple but makes no allowance for reality, which is that between black and white there are infinite shades of grey. It doesn’t always cause unhappiness because there’s a kind of security in it. But black-and-whiters tend to miss out on a lot. They deny themselves pleasures by saying things like, ‘I’m never going to that restaurent again/speaking to him again/going to buy that brand agian.’
Most of the time the black-and-white mentality leads to a good deal of misery. Either you’re a success or you’re a failure. Either you’re attractive or you’re ugly. Either you’re a great raconteur or you’re a bore. And since nobody is in the top drawer in every category, anyone with this outlooks is going to feel despondent a lot of the time.
If it’s not perfect, it’s no good
You have desirable qualities if you’re conscientious, meticulous and painstaking. In many jobs these are essential. But perfectionism is something different. It’s striving for a level so unrealistically high, that you’re either so intimidated you can’t even begin, or you’re reluctant ever to pronounce some- thing ‘finished’. However commendable tha attitude, it has no practical use. You just end up making yourself unhappy, along with everybody else you’re involved with.
You may believe, as so many do, that perfection does exist. But I’m going to prove to you that in terms of the things human beings do, it doesn’t. Oh, OK, if I ask you two plus two and you answer four then, yes, that’s the perfect answer. But let’s look at things that are a little more complicated.
The test is this. If something is perfect it’s impossible to improve it. So, let’s take a look around. Let’s take your TV. Is the picture quality so good it could never be improved? Obviously not. could your car be more durable, quieter, more fuel efficient? Obviously it could. Have you ever seen a film in which every line of dialogue was convincing, every gesture accurate, every camera angle satisfying and the plot always clear? No. I won’t go on. When you think about it. you’ll see that perfection of that kind doesn’t exist.
Obviously you have ideals of some sort. And it’s important that you do. But, very often, ideals also involve a concept of perfection that’s impossible to attain. Never give yourself a hard time because you fall short to those kinds of ideals. (And don’t give anybody else a hard time either, because they fall short of your ideals.) Rather, congratulate yourself when you move closer to your ideals. Or, better still, set yourself ideals that are realistic.
Some gurus say that perfection does exist. There are even those mystics who say that every- thing is perfect. We just don’t see it because of our pre-existing ideas of how things should be.
Why is this always happening to me?
Most of us focus for too much on the negative and, what’s more, exaggerate the significance of anything that goes wrong. The whole thing is summed up in that well-known phrase: Why is this always happening to me?
We get angry (see Chapter 4) and allow our emotions to build and cloud our judgement.
You know the kind of thing. You get a bird-dropping on your clothes and you say it. You get a puncture and you say it. You get a parking ticket and you say it. And yet it’s never true. You get a parking ticket once a year, a bird-dropping on your clothes once in five years and a puncture once a decade.
I’m not going to like this
Your partner is late. You look at your watch and begin to get angry. A little while later you anger starts to become overlaid by concern. ‘He’s had accident.’ ‘She’s been abducated. ‘You’re worried and very unhappy.
After an hour your partner arrives. What happened? It turns out to have been nothing more than a simple misunderstanding over the time. One of you thought you’d agreed on 8 o’clock, the other 9 ‘oclock.
These kinds of situations happen. The people whispering in the corner, who-you convince yourself- are saying bad things about you. The boss who doesn’t greet you in the usual, cheerful way because – you convince yourself – he’s about to reprimand you. The medical test, which – you convince yourself – is bound to have found a life-threatening condition.
In the same vein, we all also like to have a go at predicting the future, and enjoy saying’I told you so’ when our forecasts turn out to be right. And the predictions are usually negative. But we tend to forget the occasions when we were wrong. If you’re someone who always has a negative view of things you may be surprised how many times that happens.
I feel it, so it must be true
The ugly duckling that becomes a swan is a story that goes back as long as stories have been told. The duckling feels ugly (usually because of things others have said) and comes to believe it must be true. And so it can be with many other emotions. You feel like a failure and conclude that you are a failure. You feel you can’t cope and conclude you’re a bad mother. But your feelings can be wrong. For sure, you’re far more of a swan than you realize.
I’m a label; you’re label
As with the black and white approach, labels can make life simpler. I’m a loser. He’s an idiot. She’s stupid. They’re unbeatable. Once the label has been decided, there’s no need to look any more deeply or keep the situation under review. And that’s exactly why labelling is a disaster. It’s far too simplistic, takes no account of change and, worse of all, is self-fulfilling.
For example, when you go to play the tennis partners who are ‘unbeatable’ you’ll have given up before even hitting the first ball. When you decide you’re a ‘loser’ you won’t even try any more. And opportunity to tackle problems and grow.
I should do this; you should do that
We all have a little voice within telling us what we should do. (And quite often it’s reinforced by someone else’s voice, too.)
I should cut the grass, even though it’s only an inch long. I should clean the house, even thought I did it last week. I should go to Bill and Sheila’s party, even though we have nothing in common. And when you don’t do what you should, you fee guilt. Guilt is a very unpleasant emotion to have to deal with, and I’ll have more to say about it in the next chapter.
Maybe you also direct’should statements’ at others. You should smarten yourself up a bit. You should go to the funeral. You should get a better job. If the people you’re directing the statement’s at don’t take any notice, you end up feeling frustrated and resentful.
If it’s wrong, it must be my fault
Accepting responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility is a common error, particularly among women. Women are the nurturing sex, so it’s understandable that they react this way more often than men do.
Let’s say that your elderly father insists on driving. He hasn’t had an accident yet, but you’re convinced it’s only a matter of time – and not very much time. You feel it’s your responsibility to tell him to sell the car. You lay awake at night worrying about how to persuade him – and how he’ll manage without ti. You’re unhappy.
But let’s look at the facts. Your father is an adult, with more experience than you have, and makes his own decisions. He hasn’t had an accident, which probably means he’s acknowledged his limitations and drives accordingly. The police haven’t interfered. His doctor hasn’t interfered. So why should you?
Applying the lessons to your past
We’ve started to work on your present and future. But what about your past? Does your past bother you? Does it make you unhappy? Then why not change it? Let’s apply some of the lessons we’ve just learned.
But surely, you say, we can’t change our past lives? Surely we can’t change the facts of history?
Well, no, we can’t change the facts, but are you sure they are the facts? We only remember a tiny fraction of past events and, to some extent, we choose our memories to fit with the world view we’ve selected for ourselves. Some people choose to remember the best and some choose to remember the worst.
