be happy being yourself
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You can’t be happy unless you can be yourself. But do you really know what it is that makes you profoundly happy? That, in the words of the Norwegian philosopher Arne Naess, produces ‘the maximum satisfaction’ of your ‘whole being’. In this chapter you’ll be encouraged to run away from the familiar things you know (at least for a few hours or days) and let chance enter your life. In that way you may discover aspects of yourself you’d barely suspected. Don’t follow the well-beaten path, nor even the narrow path, but make your very own path. For you are unique. Only then will you discover what ‘maximum satisfaction’ means for you. And don’t assume that real life has to be mostly ‘minimum’ satisfaction. Others live their lives close to the maximum; so can you.
When asked what makes them happy, most people’s immediate reaction is to mention very tangible things. Sometimes they’re ‘big’ things like houses and cars; more often they’re ‘small’ things like hearing their children laugh. But get down to the psychology of happiness and one issue comes up again and again. People are unhappy when they feel they’re constrained and they’re happy when they feel free to be themselves.
If you can’t be yourself, you can’t be happy. That’s clear from what people say in surveys. You probably know it from your own life because very few of us are fortunate enough to be entirely ‘happy in our own skins’. There’s always something we’re frightened of showing to the world. It can be for various reasons. It may be that we had overbearing. over-ambitious, controlling parents and are now too inhibited to reveal ourselves. It may be that the people who surround us are repressing us in some way.
George Bernard Shaw and Erasmus approach the question of who you are from different direc- tions. The famous playwright was a man with little format schooling who educated himself in the British Museum reading room. No wonder he saw himself as self-created. Erasmus, the sixteenth-century Dutch scholar with a long formal education, saw identity more as something inherent, which needs to be discovered.
As is so often the case, the truth lies in the middle. We’re born with certain characteristics, as studies of identical twins separated at birth have shown very clearly. Our life experiences then build on that foundation. In practice, the precise balance between ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’ doesn’t matter as much as that the blend of the two – the ‘real you’ – finds expression.
Maximum satisfaction
The shift comes about when was seriously ask ourselves: in what situation do I experi- ence the maximum satisfaction of my whole being?
Arne Naess (1912-2009), Norwegian ecologist and philosopher
Making up your mind to be what you want and do what you want is only the beginning to the solution. Because you now have to find out what it is that you want. You might think you know. But you could very easily be mistaken.
Arne Naess was a Norwegian philosopher and ‘deep ecologist’. He advised that each of us should ask ourselves: ‘In what situation do I experience the maximum satisfaction of my whole being?’ This is far more profound than it first seems. Think about it: the maximum satisfaction; your whole being. Suddenly, things like watching television and shopping go straight out the window. We’re looking for things that are more fundamental and profound. More real.
Achieving the maximum
But the problem is that we don’t always know what gives us the ‘maximum satisfaction’. We tend to equate it with fulfilling our major ambitions and fantasies, and they are usually handed down to us by other people: ‘I’d get the maximum satisfaction from driving around in a sports car. ‘I’d get the maximum satisfaction from being a celebrity.’ But if we ever achieved these fantasies, in all probability we would soon find the excitement palls.
So how can we find the source of ‘maximum satisfaction’? Easy to ask. Very hard to do. When you have people expecting you to behave in a particular way, when you have people pressuring you to conform, how can you become the real you?
Running away to happiness
One Law for the Lion & Ox is Oppression.
William Blake (1757-1827), English poet and mystic
From the time we’re very young we’re usually told we mustn’t run away from things. It’s also the message of countless books and films. The hero is a man or woman who stands up against all odds.
Well, that’s fine in fiction. But real life is different. If you want to be happy, you have to learn not only that you can run away but that sometimes you must run away. Otherwise you’re stuck with situations in which you arrived through somebody else’s choice, through your own ignorance or simply by accident. So run away and be proud of it, because it’s the retional thing to do.
When you’re young and inexperienced you can’t know what makes you happy. You can’t know if you’re a lion or an ox. That’s something you can only find out from trial and error. If you don’t learn to run away then you’re going to be stuck with the very first thing you try. You’re going to be lumbered with the first girl or boy you ever go out with, the first employer who ever takes you on and the first town you ever decide to live in.
What’s more – and this is very important – you can’t even know what things you might like to try. It’s quite possible that the very thing that could make you happy is something you haven’t even heard of yet. but while you’re running you’ll encounter all kinds of new situations and, one day, you’ll find, perhaps purely by chance, the one that really makes you happy.
Let’s try to define what’s meant by ‘running away’ here. It doesn’t mean leaving home at age 15 without telling anybody. It doesn’t mean dumping your wife and children without support. It doesn’t mean leaving work without giving notice. But it is the very opposite of that old-fashioned advice: ‘You’ve made your bed and now you’ve got to lie in it. ‘You haven’t got to lie in it. Infact, if you’re not happy, it will be better for everybody if you find another ‘bed’. Here’s why:
- If you’re not very good at your job (because it’s not what you really want to do) then it’s not just you that’s It’s also the company and your fellow employees. If you change to a job you do like, everyone will benefit.
- If you’re not actually in love with your partner then it’s not just you that’s He/ she’s suffering as well. A separation/divorce will give you both the chance to find true love.
- If you’re not happy with your university course then it’s not just you that’s It’s your tutor, the university and the taxpayer as well. Changing to the right course is in everyone’s interests.
Of course, some people are happy with the cards that fate has dealt them. You’re almost bound to feel comfortable in the place you were brought up. The landscape, the buildings, the climate, the way people dress and talk and behave will all be familiar. Somehow they’ll probably seem ‘right’ precisely because you’re used to them. That’s why so many people insist: ‘My country is the best country in the world.
But not every country can be the ‘best country in the world’. Isn’t it more sensible to try a few before deciding? And for ‘country’ you can also substitute town, job, hobby and plenty of other things.
Doing what you want
If there is a path it is someone else’s path and you are not on the adventure.
Joseph Campbell (1904-87), American writer In our lives we are often advised to follow the path less travelled. But, infact, Joseph Campbell
was absolutely right. Even that’s not good enough. Whenever you follow an existing path you’re not being yourself. You should aim to make your own path. If that happens to be very similar to many other paths that’s fine. But if, like the Starship Enterprise, you want to go where no man or woman has ever been before then don’t be put off. You don’t have to be afraid of being different. The important point is thhat it’s the path you want. Not a path someone else has told you to follow.
Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.
William Blake (1757-1827), English poet and mystic
Ask yourself how many times things you’ve done have made you unhappy. Now ask yourself how many times you’ve been unhappy because you didn’t do something you wanted to do. In all probability you will think of ten times more of the latter than the former. The fact is it’s what we don’t do that usually makes us most unhappy.
It’s the perosn we didn’t ask out, the time we didn’t say ‘I love you’, the exam we didn’t study for, the travel opportunity we didn’t take, the job we didn’t apply for, and so on.
This is the meaning of Blake’s proverb. He’s not actually suggesting anyone should murder a baby. infact, tha baby in the proverb is you. Blake is saying that if you don’t do the things you want to do in life then it’s as if you’d been murdered as a baby. You’re not fulfilling your promise. You’re not becom- ing what you could have become. The person you should have been is effectively dead. Murdered.
Learning to say ‘yes’
It’s very easy to say ‘no’. And sometimes, of course, very necessary and sensible. When you say ‘no’ you can usually predict the outcome with certainty. ‘No’ means that everything stays as it is. So ‘no’ is the safe option.
But sometimes it’s far more interesting to take the unsafe option and say ‘yes’. When you say ‘yes’ you embark on a journey whose outcome is unknown.
Of course, we have to get this business of ‘no’ and ‘yes’ into perspective. There are many things to which we must say ‘no’. But some people say ‘no’ to almost anything that’s new. They say ‘no’ to whatever threatens to disturb their routine and their security, ‘no’ to new ideas, ‘no’ to new situations. If you were utterly positive that the status quo is exactly what you want, you probably wouldn’t be reading this book now. The fact is that lots of people say ‘no’ but regret it afterwards.
There’s a lovely scene in the 1989 film Shirley Valentine in which, whilst decorating a room, Pauline Collins and Bernard Hill end up happily slapping gunk over one another .It’s a tiny moment in their relationship when they’re suddenly free-perhaps it was the only one in their entire lives together.
You, too, can be free and happy if you’ll just dare to be yourself.
